hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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