My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So much rum. So many feels.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
soo... how was my night?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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