There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
