There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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