Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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