I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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