i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
