ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
