She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
