Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
