The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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