my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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