I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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