My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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