you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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