Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
