everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
