Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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