Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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