is your mom at the bar?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm passing your future prison.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
