I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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