she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
