just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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