I need help removing her.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
