Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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