All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
this hospital has no fireball
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize