I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
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