Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
