I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize