Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
