My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
