his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
