Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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