what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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