I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Randomize
