Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
