If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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