____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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