He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
