I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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