I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
