So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
