M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
if only i could text you this smell
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
