saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i drank out of a bidet.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize