He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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