it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Can you bring me the toilet please
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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