i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I could make wine with my vomit
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
