Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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