Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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