Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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