I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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