You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
