Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
