i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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